Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
