tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
