Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
