Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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