Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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