Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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