you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
