A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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