I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
