I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
