Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
