Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
