dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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