You really coming over, don't trick.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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