first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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