Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
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Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
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All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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