if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
