I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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