Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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