He disabled his match.com account in front of me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
