I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
