My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize