this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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