Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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