the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
