Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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