Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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