I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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