and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
