I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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