My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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