before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
