Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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