I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
