Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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