What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
