she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No subtext here. People are naked.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
