She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
either way he was missing a nipple.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
