i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
