Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
