i permit you to call me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
