Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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