In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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