I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
