As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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