I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
