im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize