gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Fuck me I smell like cheese
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
