I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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