I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
