11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Come see our sink grown plant.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
