You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
