i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
