nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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