if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
