Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You ruined the universe
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
