how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
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How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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