she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
