Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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