i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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