if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
