i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
